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me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.