Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
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I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.