Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

No, he would not have.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.