Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

The devil.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.