No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂


“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…


devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat


Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog


[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes


Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.


I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”


Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”


[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”