No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
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There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*