No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
They’re on their honeymoon
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?