No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
all that yoga finally paid off
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent