No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.