No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
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Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?