No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?