Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

Pizza is an emotion right?

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.