No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
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Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Monday
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.