“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
For anyone who needs this today
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!