“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
You Might Also Like
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Meow
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Lube but for my dry humor.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.