No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.


My bucket list is just the words “afford things” written in orange crayon on a paper towel.


My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.


I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.


Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.


Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you


*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13ยฐ weather

*runs back inside