No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Shoo shoo! 😂
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
🏙👨🏼
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space