@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

@GrillinChillin9: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Mexican food before wine, no 69.

@LeBearGirdle: Doctor: I'm sorry son, it appears you have... Jenga-itis Me: [trying to pull the doctor's shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@Home_Halfway: DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom ME: This is your mom? She looks like she'd be your sister! DATE'S MOM: Aww stop it DATE: This is my grandma ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she's 5 DATE'S GRANDMA: What DATE: This is my great grandma ME: She doesn't look born yet

@Parentpains: Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.