No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because o-
GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let’s go with that
19: Help me think of a tweet.
Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.
Fax? Why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean