@ThisOneSayz

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

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@CarrieMayhem

I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.

@Home_Halfway

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because o-

GIRLFRIEND: Yeah sure whatever let’s go with that

@Pee_And_Giggles

19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!

@TobyHater

Fax? Why don’t you just send it over on a dinosaur?

@Browtweaten

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

@girlnarly

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

@AdamBroud

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean