The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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My bucket list is just the words “afford things” written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.
Manager: Your fired
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside