“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.