No email needs to tell me not to reply.
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔