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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.