no exceptions
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
How funny!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.