no exceptions
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”