no exceptions
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I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
absolute chaos
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly