no exceptions
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I can fix him.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,