no exceptions
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3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
due date
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am