Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man