No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
You Might Also Like
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
the last thing a carrot sees
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
“What movie?” 🤔
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side