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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Please let me in.. 😂
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