No flush
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”