Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Grandmother clock.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.