No flush
You Might Also Like
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?