No flush
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “