No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Thursday Thought.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p