Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

certified hallow’s eve classic

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.