Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

This joke is 7 years old

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything