No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
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Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!