No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Happy Thanksgiving
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
lmfao
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.