No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you