Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..