A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I hate w.hen my period comes early