@TheBoydP

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

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@KattsDogma

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

@SteveEllum

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.

@TheToddWilliams

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

@pilau

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47