No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.