No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
You Might Also Like
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.