No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.