“no gods no masters” = leo
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.