“no gods no masters” = leo
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
hmm conte-me mais
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.