No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.