No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.