No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible