No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
this could fix me
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Yep.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
