Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

*praying for world peace*
God:

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.