No Google it does not
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me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
SCARY COSTUME
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol