No Google it does not
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.