No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
our love story in four pictures
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
❤️❤️❤️
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.