No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
your honor my client chooses dare
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.