No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.