No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
In case you needed to hear it:
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat