No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes

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ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all


Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.


I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.


CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though


Moses: 🎶partitioning the Red sea with my staff.

Staff of Moses: we want a raise!


Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg


KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom


Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.


Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat


Absolutely no one: