@AphroditeAfter5

No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes

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@FeelingEuphoric

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@krisv_723

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

@spacewizard_t

Moses: 🎶partitioning the Red sea with my staff.

Staff of Moses: we want a raise!

@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

@aotakeo

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

@Book_Krazy

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

@mxmclain

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS