When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”
No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?