@FeelingEuphoric
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
@BoomBoomBetty
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
@krisv_723
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
@TuSoonShakur
CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?
SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though
@spacewizard_t
Moses: 🎶partitioning the Red sea with my staff.
Staff of Moses: we want a raise!
@elle91
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
@aotakeo
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
@TheBoydP
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
@Book_Krazy
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
@mxmclain
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
@AphroditeAfter5