@AphroditeAfter5

No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes

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@sarah1mc

When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”

@ewfeez

*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*

@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

@OldUncleDaveO

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

@MaryKoCo

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

@tomwalkerisgood

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

@cottoncandaddy

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans