@AphroditeAfter5

No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes

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@Fred_Delicious

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

@Rlpihl

First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”

@NYC_Blonde

By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@Try2StopME

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

@smilely_gal

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

@3sunzzz

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

@TheMindOfADad

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.