No Grandma, he has a hair piece, not herpes

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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]


First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”


By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.


Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.


A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.


7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.


We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.


If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.