The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
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🤣🤣🤣🤣
Midwest trash talk
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
so much to do
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.