@AphroditeAfter5
@sarah1mc
When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”
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@sarah1mc
@CandyEmpires
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
@ewfeez
*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
@rickolantern
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
@OldUncleDaveO
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
@MaryKoCo
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
@tomwalkerisgood
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
@cottoncandaddy
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
@WilliamAder
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?