Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

ㅤ

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Would you wear it?

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Me too, bag. Me too….

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy