Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

I had to Stop for this

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.