No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you