No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Seems legit.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?