Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is