No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
the battle rages on
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down