No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My favorite female superhero
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.