No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.