No, he would not have.
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it