No, he would not have.
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Money is the root of all wealth
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews