No. He’s not coming out to play
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Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Fights fire with marshmallows
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.