Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.