No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.