Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Harsh but fair

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Okey dokey.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom