Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

A little too much information.

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”