No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]