No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
i love meeting boys on tinder
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend