No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Lmao
