No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old